This message is a very close and personal message and I thought deserves a topic of it's own
* very long but please read whole way through~~
No. 234 28 June 2008 (Sat) 2:20 AM
...a girl who keeps her promises! (`_')vBEEP!
Yep, I make such judgment because I have come to talk about Countdown Live, following through with the declaration in my last entry.
But that said, considering what I'm going to write, I'm not sure how or to what extent I should convey my thoughts. I'm having trouble with that.
So because I'm having issues there, I'm just gonna convey this to all you who I wish to see in Yoyogi, with the plain & clear feelings that I have, sticking to the honest feelings I have in my own heart.
I hesitated on this. And even now I'm hesitating.
However, I'm going to say what I feel.
After my birthday, in the fall of last year, I was busy working on the album.
During that time, I stayed in LA for quite awhile, so I could do my photoshoots & recording sessions.
News of Aneki's* death had come from my mother, only immediately reaching Bancho**, Ohji***, and my closest staff members, it seemed.
But everyone had discussed it, and they decided that telling me this would make it too hard for me to work, and they said I shouldn't know until I returned to Japan.
I didn't know what was going on, so in a very happy-go-lucky & easygoing way, I said, "Hmm, how come I'm not getting any e-mails?"
They revealed the truth, and I found it to be extremely bitter.
So I finished all my work and came back home that very day. When I got to my house, Mommy was there.
Since we're not living together (in case you were wondering), she didn't say "okaeri", but her eyes were filled to the brim with tears as she started to say, "Ayu, Aneki has gone to Heaven."
I rushed out of the house, on my own. I got into a taxi, and very purposefully I went to Aneki's house.
I hadn't been able to comprehend everything until I saw that the power was off.
Then, I saw Aneki's ashes.
I don't know how long, but I was silent, remaining crouched down.
It really took a considerable amount of time before I was able to cope with the reality of all of it.
Having these kinds of feelings, the end of the year was a blur for me.
With a feeling of nothingness, I went through a number of events, and I ended up building a bigger & bigger wall around me.
That was how Countdown Live was.
The show Aneki was looking forward to.
After the show on the 31st finished, my heart was ruled by huge anxiety, something I haven't felt since then until now.
That's... wow, how to explain it...
I can't aptly explain it with words, but...
Even when I thought to myself, "I have to be able to make it somehow!!!", I, who should have been determined to keep running, was extremely depressed anyway.
Naturally, with everyone who came to the venue and even with everyone who just watched on TV, I had the best & most amazing time on the 30th and 31st, and, this is an absolute fact, I was really happy.
However, I gave myself away, so I think many of you were probably able to understand.
No, absolutely, I think you all understood.
So during those two days, there was the issue with my left ear not working, and it scared me. At the same time, I thought to myself, I am a vocalist, but again, I'm also a human being, and I need to be able to lead this team. I thought I couldn't play both roles.
In a performance, singing the songs is the most important thing. As such, the most basic and most fundamental #1 thing wasn't really there.
If I said anything as I was right then, I had no persuasive power. Moreover, this thing with Aneki influenced me to the point where even my judgement had been considerably shaky.
One song, and then another... whenever I go to sing, my hearing condition continues to get worse, and my mood is nothing but impatient.
When I think like that, I can't sing. I can't be heard...
Without hitting on the problem, I was always getting angry and getting sad, feeling chagrin, but even in my head it was a jumble.
Anyway... even if you just watch the DVD, since there was alot of crying during the show, so you can probably understand.
One way or another New Year's Day arrived, thanks to the love of all the guests there, and the many wonderful staff & band members and dancers, but I was still always thinking.
Can I never sing again like I used to?
Would that concert become my last?
For a very very long time, I was thinking so many, SOOO MANY different things like this.
Thinking about it & thinking about it & thinking about it some more, I struggled to arrive at one solution.
And then, the answer came
Keep on singing.
From the day I decided that, I made a vow never again to complain or make any excuses.
And, as one of my ambitions for this year, I have been coming here to write, telling everyone my feelings.
Do you remember when that was said?
So during this year's long tour, I've been able to do absolutely everything.
Every day, every single day was filled up, and I was busy both mentally and physically.
But absolutely, I wasn't defeated. I couldn't be defeated.
Because I made a promise to everyone.
Once again, like I have in the past -- no, like I will from now on -- I've become strong enough to really stand on that grand stage. I've been thinking that during rehearsals for many months now.
Since then I've realized how quickly time is passing. It's surprising to think that tomorrow is already Yoyogi.
Lots of things happened during the tour....
I didn't think of these circumstances as challenging, though.
Because, even with all that stuff happening,
I know that you all understand, everyone.
It might be reckless to say, but even when feeling desperate inside, the time spent with everyone during this tour was truly the best time. My memories of those days shine more & more, quickly & strongly, and I become a better person for it.
I feel the importance of my 10th anniversary acutely throughout my whole self.
I began the tour at Yoyogi.
I clearly remember every exchange between my heart & everyone else's since that day.
Everyone's smiling faces, tear-stained faces, perplexed faces, I love aaaallll of them.
Everyone's feelings are always transmitted to me.
I am very fortunate.
I thought, if I had to lose my left ear, it's alright that I'll keep trying with only my right ear.
But that's not quite right.
I haven't lost anything.
Because everyone has offered to become my left ear.
So my ears are stronger now.
That having been said, although I was smiling about this, and those were beautiful thoughts, this writer has become useless.
The screen is getting blurry, so that's no good.
But I'll hold these tears back until the last day.
The tour continues into the Fall, but for right now, the domestic part of the tour ends with the 2 days in Yoyogi........
I look forward to some serious fighting spirit!!!!!
Let's make it the best two days ever,
While saying that, I was secretly feeling very anxious.
Thank you for reading this until the very end.
Aneki, please always watch over me!!!!!
*Aneki literally means big sister, but often best (female) friends or respected friends are called this as a term of endearment. I left it alone as "Aneki" throughout the message. ((Aneki refers to Ogata Ayumi))
**Bancho refers to Kanako Miura, ayu's nail artist
***Ouji her Chief Manager who is always with her~~
credits: Delirium-Zer0,yatsu @ayu-mi-x
translated by Delirium-Zer0@ayu-mi-x
biggest: Life fan on AHN current obsession: Attack No.1 (Jdrama)
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